Grief Isn't Linear: What It Can Feel Like and What to Expect in Therapy
When people think about grief, they often picture sadness.
Crying.
Missing someone.
A huge loss.
And while that can be part of it, grief is often much more complex and sometimes, much less recognizable.
If you are the one grieving it can feel totally isolating and near impossible to explain to others what your experience is. You may notice that people who have not experienced grief may not be able to comprehend the insurmountable weight of grief. And how could they? The pain of losing a loved one is indescribable. You mean to tell me my whole world just stopped.
Crumbled.
And its just another Tuesday? Everybody is going to get up and go to school and work tomorrow like nothing f*cking happened?! How am I supposed to peel the remnants of myself off the floor and just go about my day? And why is everybody else just seamlessly moving on? Why is the world still spinning? It can’t still spin?! You might envy people who never knew them for living a normal life. Because why do you get to live a normal life? Why not me? Why me? Why did I have to lose the one I love?
I can’t move on. I cannot do this life without them. I have no choice. I have to do this life without them.
Maybe you’ve lost friends because they cannot understand why you “haven’t gotten over it”, because “Its been three years already!” and how has it even been three years? It feels like yesterday. And it feels like a lifetime. It affects every moment, mood, and memory of your everyday and if one more person tells you that “God has a plan” you might just throw a chair down the stairs. Know that it came from a good place. Fortunately, many people just have no idea how painful those words can be to someone who just lost their person. You may think of your person every day for the rest of your life. Grief is forever. Maybe you lost a parent, or a child, a sibling, or a best friend and it feels like the most debilitating thing you’ve ever experienced. Because it is. Your life will never be the same. You will never be the same. I say that to acknowledge the pain, not to scare you away or to confirm that you will never be able to crawl out of this deep deep well that you feel like you’re drowning in, but to promise you that even with never being the same, and things looking different, and never going a day without thinking of them, it does get lighter.
Sometimes grief is deeply loving.
Sometimes it’s complicated.
Sometimes you miss the person and feel angry at them at the same time.
Sometimes the loss hurts not because the relationship was good, but because you wish it could have been.
If someone you love is grieving, you may feel helpless.
You may stress about saying the wrong thing.
Oftentimes, people don’t need the “perfect saying”, they need someone willing to stick around through the discomfort.
Grief Doesn’t Follow One Path
You might feel:
Melancholic one moment, and nothing the next
Anger that feels unexpected or hard to control
Guilt about things you may have said or didn’t say, or things you wish you could have done or feel like you should have done
Relief, especially after a long or difficult situation
Numbness or disconnection
Changes in your relationships or like your grief is a burden to others
You might also notice that your grief changes over time.
What feels intense one day might feel distant the next. And when it feels distant that guilt can come crawling back. Because how could you possibly be having a good day while grieving? That’s how it feels at least.
There isn’t a “right” way to grieve.
And there isn’t a clear timeline.
Grief Isn’t Always About Death
Grief can come from many kinds of loss:
The death of a loved one
The end of a relationship
Changes in identity or life direction
Losing the version of the life you expected
Sometimes, people don’t even realize they’re grieving, just that something feels off, heavy, or unresolved.
Why Grief Can Feel So Complicated
Grief often brings up more than just the loss itself.
It can connect to:
Past experiences and detailed memories
Unresolved relationships
Things left unsaid
Questions that don’t have clear answers
You might find yourself not only grieving what happened—but also what didn’t happen.
What Grief Can Look Like in Therapy
Many people come into therapy unsure of what they’re “supposed” to do with their grief.
There’s often pressure to:
“Process it the right way”
Move on
Feel better quickly
But grief work in therapy usually looks different than people expect.
It’s not about forcing emotions or following a set process.
Instead, it often involves:
Making space for whatever is actually there
Moving at your own pace
Exploring the different layers of your experience
Creating a safe container for your experience
Some sessions might feel emotional.
Others might feel quieter, reflective, or even disconnected.
All of that is part of the process.
Grief will remain and in therapy we will work together towards raising your tolerance to carry it along with you.
You Don’t Have to Have the “Right Words”
A lot of people worry they won’t know what to say in therapy.
But you don’t need to explain your grief perfectly.
Sometimes it starts with:
“I don’t even know what I’m feeling”
“It comes in waves”
“I feel stuck”
“I can’t move forward without them”
That’s enough.
From there, the work becomes about understanding your experience—not forcing it into something more clear or controlled.
How Therapy Can Help
Over time, therapy can support you in:
Making sense of complex or conflicting emotions
Reducing the intensity of overwhelming moments
Processing unresolved parts of the loss
Finding ways to stay connected to what matters, while still moving forward
Sharing details about your person with someone you trust
Rediscovering joy that is simultaneous with grief
Creating plans for “grief days" to honor yourself and your person
Finding meaning
I don’t mean that “everything happens for a reason” or that your loss was meant to make you stronger
I mean figuring out how to make meaning where you carry the loss with you in a way that allows you to move forward with it
“Your loss is not a test, a lesson, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen after the loss.”
—David Kessler
It’s not about “getting over it.”
Grief is like glitter. Not because its shinny and beautiful. But because at first it's everywhere, and like glitter, it feels impossible to clean up, but as time passes and you start to clean it up shimmer by shimmer, you start to feel better, until one day you move a sofa and find more. It lingers. It gets easier but it’s always there. Therapy doesn't help you get rid of it. Therapy teaches you how to carry it in a way that feels more manageable. Grief is a life long experience, how can you befriend it?
There’s No Timeline You Have to Follow
Grief doesn’t move in a straight line.
There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
You do not have to experience the stages of grief in a specific order. Grief is a highly personal, non-linear process; you may skip stages, revisit them, or feel them simultaneously.
When you’re given space to experience it as it actually is something begins to shift.
Not all at once.
But gradually.
You Don’t Have to Go Through It Alone
Grief can feel incredibly isolating even if you're grieving the same loss as someone else. No one’s grief is the same, especially when it doesn’t look the way you expected or the way others are able to understand.
But you don’t have to figure it out on your own. And if you have lost a loved one, I am sorry. I’m sorry because the journey of grief sucks.
There is space for your experience, exactly as it is.
And support as you begin to make sense of it.
“Grief is love’s souvenir, it is our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt that we wave in the air that says to the world “look!” Love was once mine. I love well. Here is proof that I paid the price.”