Embracing the Suck

Humans are really bad at feeling bad.

Nobody wakes up thinking, I hope today is uncomfortable.

But I think we've gotten really good at trying to avoid it.

We're constantly looking for ways to feel better, safer, more certain, and more in control. And honestly, a lot of that makes sense. Nobody wants to suffer unnecessarily.

But somewhere along the way, I think we've started treating discomfort itself as something we shouldn't have to experience.

Therapy is everywhere now. And that's mostly a good thing.

More people are going to therapy. People are talking about mental health. Clients are sharing things their therapists said that changed their lives, and therapeutic insights are reaching millions of people who may never have had access to them otherwise.

I love that.

But there's a catch.

Your therapist is talking to you.

They're giving you homework, asking you questions, and helping you reflect within the context of your history, your relationships, your patterns, and your goals.

So when you see a TikTok that says, “My therapist told me to do this,” it's worth remembering that you don't have the rest of the conversation.

Maybe your therapist told you to cancel plans with your friends because she's microdosing you with anti-people-pleasing exposure therapy.

Maybe you don't know how to say no.

Maybe you're completely burnt out from overextending yourself.

Maybe you've spent your entire life saying yes because you're terrified of disappointing people.

In that context, learning to say no might be exactly what you need.

But that doesn't mean everyone watching the video needs to cancel their plans, protect their peace, and stop doing things they don't feel like doing.

And yet, that's how the algorithm works.

One person shares something that helped them, and suddenly 6.7K people are being told they should do the same.

Protect your peace.

Stop overextending yourself.

Match their energy.

You don't owe anyone anything.

Sometimes, yes.

But then we get this strange phenomenon where everybody wants a village and nobody wants to be a villager.

Because being a villager is inconvenient.

Sometimes your friend needs a ride from the airport and it's far away.

Sometimes it's your friend's birthday and you've had a long day at work.

Sometimes your sibling has a recital and you'd really rather go home.

And sometimes you go anyway.

Not because you don't have boundaries.

Not because you're a people-pleaser.

Because you're a friend.

There is a kind of suck that comes with loving people.

You don't always feel like showing up.

You don't always feel like making the drive.

You don't always feel like putting on a pair of tight jeans that are going to dig into your belly at the dinner table after a long day.

And sometimes you do it anyway because the relationship matters more than your temporary desire to be comfortable.

That's not self-abandonment.

That's being part of a village.

Adversity isn't always the enemy.

I think we've become so focused on protecting ourselves from discomfort that we've forgotten something important:

We need some adversity.

Not trauma.

Trauma is not adversity, and I'm not suggesting that people need to suffer in order to grow.

I'm talking about the ordinary hard things that come with being a person.

Being disappointed.

Making a mistake.

Having a difficult conversation.

Hearing no.

Being inconvenienced.

Doing something you don't feel like doing.

These experiences aren't necessarily signs that something has gone wrong.

Sometimes they're how we learn that we're capable.

You don't develop confidence by never being uncomfortable.

You develop it by being uncomfortable and discovering:

I can handle this.

That's what I mean by embracing the suck.

Not liking it.

Not pretending it doesn't hurt.

Not tolerating things that are genuinely harmful.

Just recognizing that sometimes something feels bad and you don't have to immediately fix it, escape it, diagnose it, or turn it into a lesson.

Sometimes you can just sit in it.

Sometimes you can say no.

And sometimes you can say yes even though you don't feel like it.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is protect your peace.

And sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is put on your tight jeans, pick up your friend from the airport, and be a villager.

Because you don't need a life without discomfort.

You need a life that is worth being uncomfortable for.